Crossroad of my heart

Do you ever get to a point in life that seems to look like this? There doesn't seem to be an obvious "right" way to go - just several ways that seem to offer the same scenery as the next? This blog is my journey over the last year, one that brought me to a crossroad... in my heart.

As most of you know, a little over 3 years ago, Dave and I made the decision to trust God in adding more children to our family. Little did we know the blessings that would rain down on us in traveling this road. We have been blessed with 2 more beautiful children, lots more smiles and laughs, many more snuggles, new beginnings, beautiful moments as we watch our older children fall in love with their younger siblings, and the grace each day to embrace each moment as they come.

I always knew that this journey would be difficult. I knew that re-entering the sleepless nights that infants bring and that running out the door with diaper bags, car seats, snacks, bottles, extra outfits and listening to "wheels on the bus" was all about to wash over me.  I knew that many people would think I was either crazy or bored rather than simply obedient. I wasn't, however, prepared for some of the other difficulties I encountered. I had no idea my pregnancies would prove to be so difficult for me and my family. Although I am blessed to be living in a time where meds are available, I never anticipated being in need of constant IV's for months on end. Feeling exhausted, constantly throwing up, muscles spasming from lack of necessary vitamins and mineral, feeling helpless to meet the needs of my husband and inadequate to mother my other kids the way I used to. Let's just say, it wasn't only difficult physically. I was mentally overwhelmed, emotionally broken and spiritually yearning. I remember asking God, "I'm doing the very thing we know you asked us to, so why all this?" 

I was about 6 months pregnant with Malachi when I completely stopped all meds. I was elated. I was exhausted. I was so incredibly happy to not have any more needles aimed my way. Imagine this... it's 65 degrees outside, the sky is the most beautiful blue you have ever seen, the air is crisp and fresh and the birds are tweeting as they bustle about making their nests. THAT is a little how I felt. Ahhhhhh. Finally, God, I can rest and simply enjoy. Right?

Then my world turned upside down. My parents announced they were pursing a divorce, my mother-in-law, who had just gone through surgery for kidney cancer, was in and out of the hospital with major bowel blockages, my father-in-law's heath continued to decline, my husband was going through turmoil at work and then Cai was born with breathing struggles. All this in 3 months. That is NOT what I had in mind!!! 

I wanted to enjoy my summer, my kids, my husband, my friends and family and cherish each moment a newborn would bring. That is when my crossroad began. Did I still believe God was in the midst of all the chaos occurring in my life? 

If you have read my blog over the last 6 months, you already know that struggles that we have gone through with Cai. At one point, 2 months ago, after seeing several doctors and Cai already going through one surgical procedure, we were told that we needed to have him tested for cystic fibrosis. It seemed that Cai had over half the symptoms this disease brought about. We were told to not assume the worst but be prepared for it. I gotta say, that was really really hard to do!

Cai had to have a chloride sweat test performed to either confirm the existence of CF or rule it out. The first test was administered improperly so not only did it not work but it burned and blistered Cai in the process. REALLY? Really God? After all this, You are going to allow THIS????  So, here's where I want to share what I now know God was doing in ME. 

I am one of those moms that let my kids play in mud - because of the invention of bathtubs. I don't freak out at sand being poured onto my wood floors - because of the invention of brooms and vacuums. I don't freak out at dishes being broken - because I know that they can be replaced. It's easy for me to surrender the menial things in life. The things that are temporary, material or simply wants. What I wasn't doing each and every day was surrendering my children to the One who blessed me with their very existence. I was worrying about all the "what if's".  

It wasn't until after that first sweat test that I realized this. I truly believe that God allowed (didn't cause) that test to not be effective simply to work in my heart. Was I willing find joy in being blessed with a child with cystic fibrosis? Was I willing to give up my "right" to see my son grow up and live a full life? Was I willing to allow God to use my children in whatever ways He chose to glorify Himself? 

It was then that I realized that I needed to completely surrender my "ideals," my "needs," my "cant's," my "don't want too's" and trust Him to lead where He wanted. 

He has taken me here several other times in life, you would think I wouldn't have to be reminded! 

Last week, we were given the news that some test results seem to show some answers for Cai. As my last post shares more in detail, it is a diagnosis that doctors hope will be the best case scenario. After IV antibiotics for one week and oral antibiotics for 4-6 weeks, he might have the hope of completely being cured. THAT is what any parent would rejoice to hear. I am rejoicing. I am also trying to be careful to not once again want only what is "ideal" rather than what is glorifying to God. I'm not saying that my "ideal" isn't glorifying to God, but will I be ok if it's not?  I fully trust that God can completely heal my son. I am simply prepared and willing for Him to decide otherwise. Would it be hard? Absolutely. But that is where my crossroad continues each day. I will always have several paths to choose from each morning I am blessed to wake. Which one I choose.... that's up to me. 

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Answers for Malachi

Proverbs 3:5-6 say... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

T.R.U.S.T       It's a word that many of us choose to use when it "feels safe". Over the last few months, its a word... its an action...  I have had to put into practice every day. Not only trusting that God is still in control, but that He would lead us to the doctors we needed to see to find answers.

A.N.S.W.E.R.S      That's a word we have been waiting to hear for many months. We think we have finally found answers. Here is what we know.  When Cai had the bronchoscopy on March 13th, Dr. Albasida took a culture (just in case... but I know it's God's guiding hand). He received the results this week. There is a bacteria called "Moraxella" that normal resides in the upper respiratory of children... causing ear infections, eye infections etc.... but the bacteria was found in Cai's lungs. VERY rare. Actually not ever seen by these doctors in a child under 1. The probability is that he has had bronchitis since very early on. All his aspirations have probably been from reflux just complicating his condition. Hence why all his tissues are white and grey rather than pink. The lung cells that "fight" bacteria should be around 4-5. His are at 71.  We also found that he is fighting one other bacteria along with 2 other virus'.

T.R.E.A.T.M.E.N.T       Because of the severity of this bacteria, we were asked to have Cai admitted. Last night they placed an IV (in his head) because they needed to start antibiotics asap. This morning, they placed a more permanent line called a PICC line. The main reason they chose to place the PICC line is simply to allow us to take him home and administer antibiotics intervienously for the next week... allowing us to not have to stay in the hospital that whole week. Then, once they remove the PICC line, he will be on an oral antibiotic for 4-5 weeks. Our prayer is that he will totally be cured!

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for walking this long road with us. We have been so blessed with AMAZING doctors.... Dr. Steinmann, Dr. Beltroy, Dr. Elliot, Dr. Albasida, Dr. Castagnini. We have been blown away by all of their amazing bedside manors and they willingness to take time to research all these bacterias and virus' to better know how to treat Cai.

I will do my best to keep you updated over the next few weeks!

Praises, Party and Prayers

My blessings are more than I can count. Have you ever truly tried to count all the blessings that have been poured down upon you? I tried.... it was impossible! This month has been no different. In the midst of all the craziness our amazing family brings, God, once again blew me away.

On March 5th, I had to bring Malachi in to repeat the sweat test that would either confirm or rule out cystic fibrosis. Not only did the test go smoothly... no burns or blisters, no crying and lots of sweating...  but I found that my stress level going into that day wasn't nearly what I expected it to be. I believe, a result of prayer... from all of you! Thank you.

That same day, two years ago, I gave birth to our amazing little firecracker - Olivia. Two?! Where have these last two years gone? She has grown into such a little "lady".  Our days are filled with lots of "tubby's", Elmo, dancing, reading, pouring water into any and all things found, HUGE smiles, running to the potty a gazzilion times (she is now 1/2 way potty trained) and many many hugs and kisses. My colicky little baby has turned into a cuddle bug (Thank you Jesus!) that I hold dear to my heart.

Not only did Livi turn two on March 5th and Cai get re-tested. We got the call we were so uncertain we would get. Cai does NOT have CF. NOT! They were words I had somehow not expected to hear. God had totally prepared my heart for him to be diagnosed as positive. To accept that if that was how God was going to get glory... it would be okay. Needless to say, I was ecstatic! God was choosing to receive glory in my son being diagnosed as negative to this disease. This day... March 5th... amazing!

As I have continued to consciously be mindful of the blessings I have been given each day, here are some of my favorite.... forgiveness, hot water, beautiful smiles, soft warm blankets, my husband and children, toothpaste, mirrors, flip-flops, fuzzy pants, warm pajamas, blow-dryers, my sight, my hearing and my ability to be mobile, my friends, my family, and most of all - God's continues grace in my life.

Tomorrow, Malachi undergoes another surgical procedure. He is receiving a bronchial scope. We are praying that God will allow us to have an answer to Cai's months of struggles. If it's a structural concern, a different more intensive surgery will be needed. If he finds nothing, well, we ask the "what now" question once again. Either way, my prayer is that God will use me, that He will mold me into a woman, mother, friend, daughter, wife that is more like Him. That He will give me the strength to press forward, trusting that He will lead and that in His leading we will somehow glorify Him.

Thank you all for your prayers!

Update on Malachi

Just a quick update for all of you who have been praying for us today. Dave and I took Malachi downtown for the sweat test this morning. They did the test but unfortunately they burned/blistered his arm and then he didn't sweat enough to actually cause the test to be successful. So, no diagnosis and no test results today. We have to wait until his arms heal and then repeat the test. 

After the sweat test, I was pretty much a mess. I think I probably cried more than Malachi. We decided to head up a couple floors and visit the specialist we saw last week. Because of Malachi's terrible cough and wheezing, Dr. Elliot got us in to see a pediatric pulmonologist almost immediately. Kathleen is her name. She was so amazing! She spent almost 2 hours with us. Eventually, she gave Cai a breathing treatment which seemed to open up his lungs quite nicely. So, until his little arms heal, my job is to give him breathing treatments at least 4 times a day. Praying that these will help ease his little lungs and help him breathe and in turn, help him sleep!

Thank you all for praying! We will continue to be patient and wait on Him not only for answers for Malachi but for the strength to glorify Him each day, no matter what the circumstances. 

Remembering Ben's favorite verse

When each of my older kids were really little, I made them each a pillow case with all their favorite characters on the front and then a Bible verse on the back.

Today, I am trying hard to apply Ben's verse... which has since become his favorite verse.
     
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6


Since my last post, we have taken Malachi to a specialist. They seem to think most of his symptoms point to the possibility of a disease called cystic fibrosis. A diagnosis we prefer to not have to accept as truth for our little man. I have had a few days to process my initial emotions, do too much research on this disease and think through the possible alternatives. I still don't want any test to confirm this disease for Cai. At the same time I am trying hard to prepare myself for the possibility that God might have different plans in which to glorify Himself through my son. That's where Ben's verse touches me.
I am trusting that, despite my inability to understand the "why's", He will give me the strength I need in the moments I need them. Until those moments come I am choosing to have faith in the truth that He is the great Healer. I am asking Him to heal Cai. No matter what is causing his symptoms.

Tuesday morning, Dave and I take Cai to have a sweat test done that will either confirm the presence of CF or point us in a totally different direction. I am asking for you to pray with us. Please pray that we will be given concrete answers. Pray that we will glorify God in our responses and that we will ultimately be able to help our little man feel better.

I will do my best to update you all Tues evening sometime.

Being "known"

I am so thankful to be "known".  As I have walked through several really tough times, over the past year, I have been so thankful to have friends and family surround me in prayer and at times with a physical hug. If I wasn't "known" by these amazing people,  I'd be walking these valleys alone.... or would I?

I know that, in my last blog, I briefly shared a few trials we have struggled through. Right now, my biggest struggle is being patient with doctors as we seek to find the source of Malachi's discomfort and answers to mind boggling medical issues. This past week I took him back to our family doctor. We have several issues presenting themselves that seem to puzzle everyone.  

1. gut issues

2. low hemoglobin causing extreme bouts of paleness

3. frequent bouts of thrush

4. raspy/hackie consistent cough

5. sleeping difficulties

5. unknown sinus congestion

6. inflammation of esophagus and small intestine

I am thankful that we are not alone in this journey! Not only do we have our friends and family to lean on but most importantly we have Jesus. I am soooo thankful that we are "known" because He is our Creator. He is my sons Creator!

 

Psalm 139 - One of my favorite verses is... 

"For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." vs 13 

To know this fact allows me to rest in the comfort my NOT being in control. He created me. He knows me. He created Malachi. He knows my son. He knows his needs and He knows where we need to seek out those needs. 

Although I am incredibly blessed to not be dealing with a disease such as cancer, seeing my son suffer is not easy. Rarely sleeping is not easy. Being the mom I need to be to 5 other kids and the wife I want to be to my amazing husband isn't easy. Simply being the woman He created me to be... isn't easy these days. All this is why I also love verses 1-4...

 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."

He knows me. He knows my needs. He care about my wants. He hurts when I hurt. He desires a relationship with me that goes beyond simple awareness of His presence. For these things... I am incredibly blessed. It's on Him that I will lean and in Him I will trust as He leads. My sleepless nights probably won't end anytime soon, my tears shed for Malachi when he's crying and I can't help him probably won't stop tomorrow. My feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate won't necessarily disappear but I do know that in those moments I am not alone. 

I am thankful to be "known". 

A Year in Review

 This past year has been a year filled with great blessings, crazy fun, silliness, sickness, immense struggles and welcomed personal growth. These verses in Hebrews are ones that have given me both the strength to enter each day desiring to glorify God and the peace to surrender each difficult moment to Him. 

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

Here are a few moments in our lives that I think capture 2012 well.

In January, we found out that we were expecting our 6th baby. We were ecstatic about being blessed with another child and a bit nervous about what that might mean for our family.

 In February, we celebrated both Nicolas' 14th birthday and Benjamin's 9th birthday. We are so blessed to have them both in our lives! 

It was also when I started getting extremely ill due to pregnancy. I was quickly relegated to constant IV's and meds to help keep me hydrated. I would end up needing the use of Home Health Care through the month of June. Although I was grateful to see the end of constant needle pokes and start functioning as close to normal as possible, I was extremely thankful to have the blessing of medicine and the constant care of the midwives who oversaw my care.

This month also marked an exciting change for Dave. He would now have another pastor working alongside him! Pastor Jeff was hired as the Pastor of Leadership Development. We have been so blessed to have had him called to serve along side us here in Waukee.

In March, we celebrated Olivia's 1st birthday. As excited as we were for her to celebrate her first year of life, I think we probably celebrated the fact that she started sleeping through the night, regularly, even more. 

We also decided to make the long trip to Florida, over Spring Break, only to have to leave and come home early because I was so sick and we couldn't get an IV to stay in place long enough to fully hydrate me. We were all so bummed to leave so early but thankful for days full of swimming we were blessed with!

In April, we celebrated the dedication of Olivia and the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior.

In May, we simply looked forward to school being over and summer fun around the corner.

In June, Dave and I celebrated our 17th Anniversary. I have been so overwhelmingly blessed to have a man who truly loves Jesus, loves me and loves his children more than himself. I don't know of anyone who would say that marriage or parenting is easy. I do, however, know that each and every moment fought and sacrificed for, each trial prevailed through and every day granted is a gift from God.

In July, we spent lots of time walking around Adventrueland and even more time swimming. We also celebrated the freedom so many have given their lives for... the freedom God has allowed us to maintain.

In August,  Dave had the privilege of baptizing Benjamin and celebrating Kaelyn's 13th birthday. 

In September, we celebrated my birthday and also welcomed our 6th child, Malachi Milan Brooks. He was born on the 29th, weighing 6 lbs 6 oz. Every needle poke, every moment spent kneeling in front of my toilet, every tear shed all dimmed the moment he was born. God is so faithful and blessed us beyond our wildest imagination. 

In October, I was blessed to have Dave work from home part of the time as we adjusted to life (once again) with both a toddler and a newborn. A task that has proven (even 3 moths later) to be even more challenging than we expected. 

In November, we celebrated Anna's 11th birthday and Dave's 39th birthday. We also enjoyed celebrating Thanksgiving with both family and friends (whom we consider our extended family). 

In December, we celebrated Christmas with my bother, sister-in-law and nephew from California and with Dave's brother and sister-in-law from Florida. (as well as my mother and father in law) We had one of the biggest snow storms seen in years sweep through Iowa just days before everyone arrived. Everyone enjoyed having snow for Christmas!

  

 As I look back through this past year, there were many blessings given to us as well as many trials thrown our way. 

One of the trials we were forced to walk through was the divorce of my parents. Those are words I certainly never thought I would utter, My heart continues to hurt but thankfully my life's foundation isn't built with human hands but rather on the rock of my Lord and Savior. He is the ONLY thing that has held me together throughout this unwelcome journey. He is ever so slowly peeling back the different layers of my life that need His healing touch. I am excited to see how He uses even this to glorify Himself though me in this coming year.

Going back to the verses I started with,  my desire is to seek God's will, be obedient to His calling and be patient as He gives me the endurance to wake up each day ready for journey to continue!