Crossroad of my heart

Do you ever get to a point in life that seems to look like this? There doesn't seem to be an obvious "right" way to go - just several ways that seem to offer the same scenery as the next? This blog is my journey over the last year, one that brought me to a crossroad... in my heart.

As most of you know, a little over 3 years ago, Dave and I made the decision to trust God in adding more children to our family. Little did we know the blessings that would rain down on us in traveling this road. We have been blessed with 2 more beautiful children, lots more smiles and laughs, many more snuggles, new beginnings, beautiful moments as we watch our older children fall in love with their younger siblings, and the grace each day to embrace each moment as they come.

I always knew that this journey would be difficult. I knew that re-entering the sleepless nights that infants bring and that running out the door with diaper bags, car seats, snacks, bottles, extra outfits and listening to "wheels on the bus" was all about to wash over me.  I knew that many people would think I was either crazy or bored rather than simply obedient. I wasn't, however, prepared for some of the other difficulties I encountered. I had no idea my pregnancies would prove to be so difficult for me and my family. Although I am blessed to be living in a time where meds are available, I never anticipated being in need of constant IV's for months on end. Feeling exhausted, constantly throwing up, muscles spasming from lack of necessary vitamins and mineral, feeling helpless to meet the needs of my husband and inadequate to mother my other kids the way I used to. Let's just say, it wasn't only difficult physically. I was mentally overwhelmed, emotionally broken and spiritually yearning. I remember asking God, "I'm doing the very thing we know you asked us to, so why all this?" 

I was about 6 months pregnant with Malachi when I completely stopped all meds. I was elated. I was exhausted. I was so incredibly happy to not have any more needles aimed my way. Imagine this... it's 65 degrees outside, the sky is the most beautiful blue you have ever seen, the air is crisp and fresh and the birds are tweeting as they bustle about making their nests. THAT is a little how I felt. Ahhhhhh. Finally, God, I can rest and simply enjoy. Right?

Then my world turned upside down. My parents announced they were pursing a divorce, my mother-in-law, who had just gone through surgery for kidney cancer, was in and out of the hospital with major bowel blockages, my father-in-law's heath continued to decline, my husband was going through turmoil at work and then Cai was born with breathing struggles. All this in 3 months. That is NOT what I had in mind!!! 

I wanted to enjoy my summer, my kids, my husband, my friends and family and cherish each moment a newborn would bring. That is when my crossroad began. Did I still believe God was in the midst of all the chaos occurring in my life? 

If you have read my blog over the last 6 months, you already know that struggles that we have gone through with Cai. At one point, 2 months ago, after seeing several doctors and Cai already going through one surgical procedure, we were told that we needed to have him tested for cystic fibrosis. It seemed that Cai had over half the symptoms this disease brought about. We were told to not assume the worst but be prepared for it. I gotta say, that was really really hard to do!

Cai had to have a chloride sweat test performed to either confirm the existence of CF or rule it out. The first test was administered improperly so not only did it not work but it burned and blistered Cai in the process. REALLY? Really God? After all this, You are going to allow THIS????  So, here's where I want to share what I now know God was doing in ME. 

I am one of those moms that let my kids play in mud - because of the invention of bathtubs. I don't freak out at sand being poured onto my wood floors - because of the invention of brooms and vacuums. I don't freak out at dishes being broken - because I know that they can be replaced. It's easy for me to surrender the menial things in life. The things that are temporary, material or simply wants. What I wasn't doing each and every day was surrendering my children to the One who blessed me with their very existence. I was worrying about all the "what if's".  

It wasn't until after that first sweat test that I realized this. I truly believe that God allowed (didn't cause) that test to not be effective simply to work in my heart. Was I willing find joy in being blessed with a child with cystic fibrosis? Was I willing to give up my "right" to see my son grow up and live a full life? Was I willing to allow God to use my children in whatever ways He chose to glorify Himself? 

It was then that I realized that I needed to completely surrender my "ideals," my "needs," my "cant's," my "don't want too's" and trust Him to lead where He wanted. 

He has taken me here several other times in life, you would think I wouldn't have to be reminded! 

Last week, we were given the news that some test results seem to show some answers for Cai. As my last post shares more in detail, it is a diagnosis that doctors hope will be the best case scenario. After IV antibiotics for one week and oral antibiotics for 4-6 weeks, he might have the hope of completely being cured. THAT is what any parent would rejoice to hear. I am rejoicing. I am also trying to be careful to not once again want only what is "ideal" rather than what is glorifying to God. I'm not saying that my "ideal" isn't glorifying to God, but will I be ok if it's not?  I fully trust that God can completely heal my son. I am simply prepared and willing for Him to decide otherwise. Would it be hard? Absolutely. But that is where my crossroad continues each day. I will always have several paths to choose from each morning I am blessed to wake. Which one I choose.... that's up to me. 

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30